30 & Virgin

I might be like an analog watch in digital era but I'm cool with that.
The temptation is there yet (Luckily) I'm quite stubborn to stick with I believe.
So I'll proudly say that I'm 30 and VIRGIN!!! Haha ;D

Move on aja lah...

I was mad with my boss. He appointed me to the task that I like less and the job that I prefer the most is uneasy to earn.
I feel like my career is going nowhere...So I contacted some acquaintance and asked them to give me a smooth way to get in to their company. Still haven't heard any good news though.

On that unwanted situation, I would like to be able to say: "At least, I have a gorgeous boyfriend that loves me and really cares about me". Of course, I couldn't say that. Every time I have crush on someone, it's on my side only. I was believe if I tried harder perhaps eventually he'll feel what I feel. But it never happened. My love life isn't amusing at all.

Those issues are enough to gloom my day and make me demotivated. But now, I'm not letting my self clouded with problems too long. I'll take them more lightly. I might not able to ease them from my mind entirely but at least I could accepted. I'll be wasting my time If I only focus on negative emotion. I want to live this life happily and accepted..

So, even in bad situation I'll say: "Move on aja lah!"

when i miss you

Almost 2 years a go since the last time I met you...

What I have now only memories of you. I'm afraid they'll fade away so I constantly replay them in my mind.
I remember how you laughed, how you warmed my heart when we walked hand on hand,
And how you look at me...

Many time I thougth I have move on & didn't care about you so much
But I keep imagine the scene when I meet you later...how I'm going to captivate you & then kiss me...
I thought I don't miss you but there is a time when I feel hopeless to see you & got no clues so I just unload to this blog...

I wonder is there any chance for me to meet you again? It start to feel like a wishful thinking...
I wish you read this blog...

Pret à tomber amoureux..encore pour le dernier fois...

I just re watched "sex & city the movie". On that movie, after on-off relationship with Mr.Big, they decided to get marry without any blink of diamond included in the proposal and it turned out to be the heart broken cancelled wedding, yet in the end she finally realized that love does over logic, she found her capability to forgive and Mr.Big is indeed her true love. It was happy ending...
I always believe in happy ending though so far my love life book written with red ink about one side love all over the page.

I was head over heel with a guy not so long a go and almost believe he migth be the love of my love. But of course, he's not. Afterward I felt very tired,very sick with my unfortunate fate with love and come at one point when I think this winding journey of finding true love is only effortless effort.

Yet again, that movie somehow inspired me. I think now, I'm ready to go back to the game. Perhaps I'm healing already.I do want my happy ending. In fact I insist to find it no matter how many obstacle that I have to face during the process.

So once again, for the last time, I want to fall in love again...but this time, he'll love me back.
Wish me luck! :)

I'm over you...just a little

Huuuuhhhh....why oh why everytime I posted a story in my blog it has something to do with him? Especially when my last post was 2 months ago. A great and exciting thing has happened during that time for instance I went to Paris! Yeah..I have realized my long time dream yet instead of do story telling about the best vacation that I ever had, all i want now is writing about him.

Yes..It's about him...again. Before I went to Paris, on one morning I wake up after one miserable week of longing him then said to myself : "Well enough is enough. I'm done thingking of him. He's out of my head and heart!" Then he did out of my head and heart. I kind a forgot about him...I guess because I focused on preparing the trip to Paris.

Then when I feel I have moved on, he's nowhere in my head, also after I brag to the world that I'm over him, he started sending text. That was really nagging me! He never ever sent any text before I texted him first. The content of those texts are so ordinary and nothing special about it. But his initiative to get in touch and to know how I've been lately was a question mark for me. Why now?

But of course, that texting is not last...after few days he just stopped sending text. Leave me with a brand new silly hope and bring me back to ignorance romantic imagination that I have erased before with countless effort . This is like back to zero.

I dreamed about him yesterday. He was no where on my sight and I was almost desperate sougth for him. When I found him, there he was chatted cheerfully with people that I don't know. I was so relieved finding him then I hugged him from the back...(God even in a dream it felt so good and convenience). He hugged me back then we kissed. He smiled at me like I'm the only reason for him to smile in this world. (Oh God...I wish this part of this dream appeared every night). I could feel that he also glad and relieved we meet again. Then...it appeared to me, why he wasn't searched for me?I was literally almost desperate searched for him anywhere and everywhere yet I don't see that kind effort from him. When I asked him about that...his face started to blur and he's faded away...but before I woke up, I heard someone in my head said : he did try to find you. He was also sougth for you anywhere...But even so, I know that was a lie.

As I wrote this note, I realized actually that wasn't a happy dream as I thought before. It was a sad dream. It was a reflection of what I feel about him and what he feel to me. I'm the one who always put an effort just to make him see me...feel me. Yet it was effortless effort.

I could say I'm moved on yet I couldn't let myself not to miss him. I miss him now and I don't know for how long. I guess...I'm over him...just a little.

My Song at 4th Week of April .."If It kills me..."

All i really wanna do is to love you

A kind much closer than friends use

But I still can't say after all we've been through

All i really want from you is to feel me

As the feeling inside keeps builing And I'll find a way to you if it kills me...

The first time I really listened to this song lyrics, I laughed. It's because the resemblance of the lyrics with hopeless feeling that I have to the men that I love. Especially with following line:

How long can I go like this
Wishing to kiss you
Before I rightly explode
Well this double life I lead isn't healty for me

So it seems, even Jason Mraz experienced falling in love alone. Somehow it relieves me... I guess I'm not the one who falled in love alone or who kept the volatile longing down inside. Hmmm...

All i really wanna do is to love you
A kind much closer than friends use
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
if it kills me
It might kill me...

"If it kills me" by Jason Mraz

My song at 4th week of March.."Why should I cry for you?"

I never get bored listening to Sting. His soft and lullaby voice always perfect at any timing and mood. I thought I already heard all of his (famous) song, so I was quite surprised when I heard "Why should I cry for you" last weekend in the radio. Why I never heard it before? Anyway...this is indeed a good song and Sting once again did a good job! This song came from "Field of Golds" album. That album has already become one of my favorite albums since long time ago.

Also this song will suit you when you hopelessly try to ease someone from your heart and mind yet it seems like effortless effort. So when the stream came down to your face you'll ask to yourself :

.................
Why must I think of you?
Why must I? Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
'I loved you in my fashion?'
What would be true?
Why should I,Why should I cry for you?
Why should I cry?