I just re watched "sex & city the movie". On that movie, after on-off relationship with Mr.Big, they decided to get marry without any blink of diamond included in the proposal and it turned out to be the heart broken cancelled wedding, yet in the end she finally realized that love does over logic, she found her capability to forgive and Mr.Big is indeed her true love. It was happy ending...
I always believe in happy ending though so far my love life book written with red ink about one side love all over the page.
I was head over heel with a guy not so long a go and almost believe he migth be the love of my love. But of course, he's not. Afterward I felt very tired,very sick with my unfortunate fate with love and come at one point when I think this winding journey of finding true love is only effortless effort.
Yet again, that movie somehow inspired me. I think now, I'm ready to go back to the game. Perhaps I'm healing already.I do want my happy ending. In fact I insist to find it no matter how many obstacle that I have to face during the process.
So once again, for the last time, I want to fall in love again...but this time, he'll love me back.
Wish me luck! :)
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I'm over you...just a little
Huuuuhhhh....why oh why everytime I posted a story in my blog it has something to do with him? Especially when my last post was 2 months ago. A great and exciting thing has happened during that time for instance I went to Paris! Yeah..I have realized my long time dream yet instead of do story telling about the best vacation that I ever had, all i want now is writing about him.
Yes..It's about him...again. Before I went to Paris, on one morning I wake up after one miserable week of longing him then said to myself : "Well enough is enough. I'm done thingking of him. He's out of my head and heart!" Then he did out of my head and heart. I kind a forgot about him...I guess because I focused on preparing the trip to Paris.
Then when I feel I have moved on, he's nowhere in my head, also after I brag to the world that I'm over him, he started sending text. That was really nagging me! He never ever sent any text before I texted him first. The content of those texts are so ordinary and nothing special about it. But his initiative to get in touch and to know how I've been lately was a question mark for me. Why now?
But of course, that texting is not last...after few days he just stopped sending text. Leave me with a brand new silly hope and bring me back to ignorance romantic imagination that I have erased before with countless effort . This is like back to zero.
I dreamed about him yesterday. He was no where on my sight and I was almost desperate sougth for him. When I found him, there he was chatted cheerfully with people that I don't know. I was so relieved finding him then I hugged him from the back...(God even in a dream it felt so good and convenience). He hugged me back then we kissed. He smiled at me like I'm the only reason for him to smile in this world. (Oh God...I wish this part of this dream appeared every night). I could feel that he also glad and relieved we meet again. Then...it appeared to me, why he wasn't searched for me?I was literally almost desperate searched for him anywhere and everywhere yet I don't see that kind effort from him. When I asked him about that...his face started to blur and he's faded away...but before I woke up, I heard someone in my head said : he did try to find you. He was also sougth for you anywhere...But even so, I know that was a lie.
As I wrote this note, I realized actually that wasn't a happy dream as I thought before. It was a sad dream. It was a reflection of what I feel about him and what he feel to me. I'm the one who always put an effort just to make him see me...feel me. Yet it was effortless effort.
I could say I'm moved on yet I couldn't let myself not to miss him. I miss him now and I don't know for how long. I guess...I'm over him...just a little.
Yes..It's about him...again. Before I went to Paris, on one morning I wake up after one miserable week of longing him then said to myself : "Well enough is enough. I'm done thingking of him. He's out of my head and heart!" Then he did out of my head and heart. I kind a forgot about him...I guess because I focused on preparing the trip to Paris.
Then when I feel I have moved on, he's nowhere in my head, also after I brag to the world that I'm over him, he started sending text. That was really nagging me! He never ever sent any text before I texted him first. The content of those texts are so ordinary and nothing special about it. But his initiative to get in touch and to know how I've been lately was a question mark for me. Why now?
But of course, that texting is not last...after few days he just stopped sending text. Leave me with a brand new silly hope and bring me back to ignorance romantic imagination that I have erased before with countless effort . This is like back to zero.
I dreamed about him yesterday. He was no where on my sight and I was almost desperate sougth for him. When I found him, there he was chatted cheerfully with people that I don't know. I was so relieved finding him then I hugged him from the back...(God even in a dream it felt so good and convenience). He hugged me back then we kissed. He smiled at me like I'm the only reason for him to smile in this world. (Oh God...I wish this part of this dream appeared every night). I could feel that he also glad and relieved we meet again. Then...it appeared to me, why he wasn't searched for me?I was literally almost desperate searched for him anywhere and everywhere yet I don't see that kind effort from him. When I asked him about that...his face started to blur and he's faded away...but before I woke up, I heard someone in my head said : he did try to find you. He was also sougth for you anywhere...But even so, I know that was a lie.
As I wrote this note, I realized actually that wasn't a happy dream as I thought before. It was a sad dream. It was a reflection of what I feel about him and what he feel to me. I'm the one who always put an effort just to make him see me...feel me. Yet it was effortless effort.
I could say I'm moved on yet I couldn't let myself not to miss him. I miss him now and I don't know for how long. I guess...I'm over him...just a little.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
My Song at 4th Week of April .."If It kills me..."
All i really wanna do is to love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say after all we've been through
All i really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps builing And I'll find a way to you if it kills me...
The first time I really listened to this song lyrics, I laughed. It's because the resemblance of the lyrics with hopeless feeling that I have to the men that I love. Especially with following line:
How long can I go like this
Wishing to kiss you
Before I rightly explode
Well this double life I lead isn't healty for me
So it seems, even Jason Mraz experienced falling in love alone. Somehow it relieves me... I guess I'm not the one who falled in love alone or who kept the volatile longing down inside. Hmmm...
All i really wanna do is to love you
A kind much closer than friends use
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
if it kills me
It might kill me...
"If it kills me" by Jason Mraz
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
My song at 4th week of March.."Why should I cry for you?"
I never get bored listening to Sting. His soft and lullaby voice always perfect at any timing and mood. I thought I already heard all of his (famous) song, so I was quite surprised when I heard "Why should I cry for you" last weekend in the radio. Why I never heard it before? Anyway...this is indeed a good song and Sting once again did a good job! This song came from "Field of Golds" album. That album has already become one of my favorite albums since long time ago.
Also this song will suit you when you hopelessly try to ease someone from your heart and mind yet it seems like effortless effort. So when the stream came down to your face you'll ask to yourself :
.................
Why must I think of you?
Why must I? Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
'I loved you in my fashion?'
What would be true?
Why should I,Why should I cry for you?
Why should I cry?
Why must I think of you?
Why must I? Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
'I loved you in my fashion?'
What would be true?
Why should I,Why should I cry for you?
Why should I cry?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Love song for no one...My song at 4th week of Feb 09
I'm tired being alone so hurry up back get here
I'm so tired being alone so hurry up back get here
You'll be so good...
You'll be so good for me..
Love song for no one by John Mayer
This song reflects what I feel right now. I'm not just tired but excessively exhausted for being alone. I thought when I fall in love I will not feel alone anymore but it turned out I felt alone even more because the men that I love didn't fall back to me. I thought if I put more efforts then he'll see me...feel mee but it was a foolish hope. I was crashed by my own hope.
Before that long time a go I heard a warning bell rang deep in my heart but I ignore it. Till my good friend set my foot on the ground. She said I need to fall out from him, avoid myself from trapping on his charm and move on. I strongly believe her suggestion and intend to follow. But I can bear to think that I'll not love him anymore and let my heart empty. This is something that I fear most. Being alone for not loving anyone.
I truly wish that this loneliness will end soon. So that I don't have to sing Love song for no one...
I'm so tired being alone so hurry up back get here
You'll be so good...
You'll be so good for me..
Love song for no one by John Mayer
This song reflects what I feel right now. I'm not just tired but excessively exhausted for being alone. I thought when I fall in love I will not feel alone anymore but it turned out I felt alone even more because the men that I love didn't fall back to me. I thought if I put more efforts then he'll see me...feel mee but it was a foolish hope. I was crashed by my own hope.
Before that long time a go I heard a warning bell rang deep in my heart but I ignore it. Till my good friend set my foot on the ground. She said I need to fall out from him, avoid myself from trapping on his charm and move on. I strongly believe her suggestion and intend to follow. But I can bear to think that I'll not love him anymore and let my heart empty. This is something that I fear most. Being alone for not loving anyone.
I truly wish that this loneliness will end soon. So that I don't have to sing Love song for no one...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My song this week -1st week of Feb 09
If you just realize what I've just realized, Then we'd be perfect for each otherAnd we'll never find another
I really...really...really...want him to hear this song
Every lyrics on this song reflect every word that I want to say to him
I wonder what will be his reaction if I send this song to him...
Hmmm...
Realize - Colby calliate
Lyrics Colbie Caillat lyrics - Realize lyrics
I really...really...really...want him to hear this song
Every lyrics on this song reflect every word that I want to say to him
I wonder what will be his reaction if I send this song to him...
Hmmm...
If you just realize what I just realize
We never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now...
Realize - Colby calliate
Lyrics Colbie Caillat lyrics - Realize lyrics
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Today I'm 29...
Once a year, my dear family and close friends congratulate my birthday which happens today. Though I have stopped to feel excited about it since I enter 25 yet it always nice to know that some people still remember my birthday especially the love one. Once a year I could say : "Today is my day"
Today I feel grateful coz Allah still give a chance to me- the girl who sometimes forget about Him- to live this life.
I feel grateful for my career. It's not a perfect one yet the compensation more than enough to support my "save less spend more" habit :) and I meet many wonderful people during doing the job desk.
Today I still single yet I feel grateful about it because I could spend my money for myself, able to travel anywhere I please and no need to worry about any domestic problems. Although the fact of haven't find the right men hassle me sometimes but I could deal with that.
Today I have someone in my heart who I miss from time to time but it possible that he's not that in to me and it makes me care less about married because he might not be the groom. But still I feel grateful for loving him unconditionally. It's silly yet it's real.
But most of all I feel grateful that I have a wonderful family who never stop loving me, believe in me and support me during good and especially bad time. I will never trade them for anything in the world.
Today I feel grateful because I devoted to Rafael Nadal who has sexy butt and Nicholas Saputra who melt me with his eyes.
Today I feel grateful because I could generate pictures from my Nikon that gain many good responds in my Multiply.
Today I feel grateful because I have best friends who's willing to listen to my problem, pat my shoulder then say "You'll be find"
Today I feel grateful because I still able embracing this life with optimistic thinking despite of any cynical comments that I throw for all of government policy. (hehehe :D)
Today I feel grateful because I'm good looking, have a cool style, great body and well educated. (Oh yeah...I get narsistic more and more ;p)
Today I'm 29 years old. I hate the number yet I feel grateful for being well, safe and happy with my life.
Today I feel grateful coz Allah still give a chance to me- the girl who sometimes forget about Him- to live this life.
I feel grateful for my career. It's not a perfect one yet the compensation more than enough to support my "save less spend more" habit :) and I meet many wonderful people during doing the job desk.
Today I still single yet I feel grateful about it because I could spend my money for myself, able to travel anywhere I please and no need to worry about any domestic problems. Although the fact of haven't find the right men hassle me sometimes but I could deal with that.
Today I have someone in my heart who I miss from time to time but it possible that he's not that in to me and it makes me care less about married because he might not be the groom. But still I feel grateful for loving him unconditionally. It's silly yet it's real.
But most of all I feel grateful that I have a wonderful family who never stop loving me, believe in me and support me during good and especially bad time. I will never trade them for anything in the world.
Today I feel grateful because I devoted to Rafael Nadal who has sexy butt and Nicholas Saputra who melt me with his eyes.
Today I feel grateful because I could generate pictures from my Nikon that gain many good responds in my Multiply.
Today I feel grateful because I have best friends who's willing to listen to my problem, pat my shoulder then say "You'll be find"
Today I feel grateful because I still able embracing this life with optimistic thinking despite of any cynical comments that I throw for all of government policy. (hehehe :D)
Today I feel grateful because I'm good looking, have a cool style, great body and well educated. (Oh yeah...I get narsistic more and more ;p)
Today I'm 29 years old. I hate the number yet I feel grateful for being well, safe and happy with my life.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Shall I move on?
I know from the beginning when I decide to give my heart to him, I might be lonely. That feeling is like an echo at the hollow cliff.
Yet it never stopped me to put hope above the sky, dreamt about him over the day and felt miserable just by longing him.
I shouldn’t read between the lines too much. I shouldn’t over cheer with his attention. I shouldn’t do effortless effort. I shouldn’t think his the only one for me.
I should listen more to my friends’ advice. I should open my eyes and heart to someone else. I should let somebody else get close to me. I should move on…
But the idea of erasing him from my heart even hurt me more. Coz I still feel his warm hand when he held my hand gently, when his gentle eyes look back at me and when his lovely smile made my heart pounding faster.
I should move on…I know that. But give me sometime to prepare. It’s never easy to rip your heart and harshly pull out the love inside it.
I should move on…I will…Just let me collect the strength first. This will be a battle that I am willing to lost…easily.
I should move on…I know… I will…not soon.
Yet it never stopped me to put hope above the sky, dreamt about him over the day and felt miserable just by longing him.
I shouldn’t read between the lines too much. I shouldn’t over cheer with his attention. I shouldn’t do effortless effort. I shouldn’t think his the only one for me.
I should listen more to my friends’ advice. I should open my eyes and heart to someone else. I should let somebody else get close to me. I should move on…
But the idea of erasing him from my heart even hurt me more. Coz I still feel his warm hand when he held my hand gently, when his gentle eyes look back at me and when his lovely smile made my heart pounding faster.
I should move on…I know that. But give me sometime to prepare. It’s never easy to rip your heart and harshly pull out the love inside it.
I should move on…I will…Just let me collect the strength first. This will be a battle that I am willing to lost…easily.
I should move on…I know… I will…not soon.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Les questions pour mon amour
Last night when I watched House MD tv series, I startled by its soundtrack. Every lyrics on that song describe every question that I would like to ask to the men who nowhere of my sight yet very close to my heart. That questions lied on my mind for so long but hard to spell out even in email . A question as simple as :
Are you alright?
All the sudden you went away.
Are you alright?
I hope you come back around someday.
Are you alright?
I haven't seen you in a real long time.
Are you alright?
Could you give me some kind of sign.
Are you alright?
I looked around me and you were gone.
Are you alright?
I feel like there must be something wrong.
Are you alright?
'Cause it seems like you disappeared.
Are you alright?'
Cause I been feeling a little scared.
Are you alright?
Are you sleeping through the night?
Do you have someone to hold you tight?
Do you have someone to hang out with?
Do you have someone to hug and kiss you,
Hug and kiss you,Hug and kiss you?
Are you alright?
Are you alright?
Is there something been bothering you?
Are you alright?
I wish you'd give me a little clue.
Are you alright?
Is there something you wanna say?
Are you alright?
Just tell me that you're okay.
Are you alright?
'Cause you took off without a word.
Are you alright?
You flew away like a little bird.
Are you alright?
Is there anything I can do?Are you alright?'
Cause I need to hear from you.
Are you alright?
Are you alright?
Are you alright?
Monday, January 5, 2009
New Year..New Resolution?
Eeeeeh....2009 already? Darn! how time flies...
How was my life in 2008? Was there anything good happened? Let's see...
My career...I wouldn't say great but ...it's Ok. No robust career development..just usual work yet I guess I'm getting better with what I do.Coz..finally I could do my own project and gave big income to company. Also I got enormous increase...oh yeah! after fought for it for 6 exhausting months. Alhamdulillah...
For love life...eeemmmm...after wandering about a year and questioned my heart over and over again..I finally bravely said to myself : I'm in love with him. Bravely because there's possibility it'll be end up in agony though I have put extra effort not to let that to happen. But future it's not written yet.I might or might not give up loving him someday soon but I'll never regret fall for him coz if not him then it'll not be anyone else...
Traveling? I went to new place last year. Cebu Island in Phillipines. It was a great place where greenish blue sea meets with clear blue sky. For the first time in my life I swum with fishes, literally and went snorkeling. I fed hungry fishes whose tried to eat my fingers when breads in my hand alreay run out. But the most important thing is he was also there. Indeed that vacation couldn't be better without having him next to me.
After Cebu, I determined to get PADI license in Bali. Some say Bali is a great place to get diving license. The plan was quite solid and I already booked flight ticket but a blood sucker mosquito ruined everything. I was collapsed caused by Dengue fever and stayed in hospital for 5 days just a month before I fly to Bali. So...this can be a resolution for 2009.
Master Degree? Got it just before 'the referee blow end of game whistle'. Phiuuuuhhh... It took 3 fatigue years to accomplish my graduate degree. It's not because the lecture was too difficult but I was suck in time arrangement between work and school. Work always come before school so no wonder I graduated with fair GPA. huhuhuhu... :( Then right after graduation, I enrolled myself again to France course. I took this course in 2004 for 1.5 years but I have to postpone coz I wanted to concentrate to my graduate school. Now, I have my degree and no need to delay anymore. This course will be a preparation for one of my 2009 plan.
Hmmm...what's left...Photography? I still couldn't get my name as nominee or finalist or winner for any Photography competition that I joined. Ck! I guess...this is also another resolution for 2009?
Ok for 2009 resolution. Before I started I need to explain that actually... this is not my habit, making resolutions for a new year. I have several long term plans but I don't bother to make any short term plans and renew them every year. I tend to let everything flows naturally. But since this year I have some urge plans then why not called it " Dini's 2009 Resolution".
So what will I do?...Let's start for traveling: Je vais aller a francais cette anne!!! or in other word : "I'll go to France this year!" Actually this is an overdue wish. I've been dreaming of it since the last 5 years. I even take france lesson so that I can understand the languange when I'm in France later. This plan almost failed when Rupiah acts so lame to Dollar. But I have determined that whatever happen I'll go to Paris this year. Perhaps if I have enough dime I'll drop by to Amsterdam as well then go to Van Gogh museum. He's my favorite painter. Ooooh....can't hardly wait...to wake up in the morning and see eiffel tower in reachable distance.
Then another resolutions are I have to spend more time reading. This is because whenever I travel overseas I always dropped by to my favorite bookstores : Border or Kinokuniya (They have complete and variance books rather in Indonesia) and bought books and literatures but when I got back those books remains at racks and getting dusty. I keep telling to myself to read them soon yet soon delayed longer. So I need to push myself realiazing that intention : Reading more. On new year day, I have finished reading " Snow in Kilimanjaro" by Hemingway. Though I could barely understand his stories yet it was a good start. Next is Anna Karenina by Leo tolstoy or Fiesta by Hemingway (again) ? Also I want to write more in order to convert tons of idea in my mind in to solid words. Many years I keep those ideas in my mind but it's about to change.
How bout love life? A marriage perhaps? Hmmm.... I don't know. I used to pursue to get married when I reached 27. That year already past and I'm still being gorgeous single (hehehe :D). I guess I made that target just because an idea and influenced by people surrounding me. Not because I really need it. So I decide not to make any target to get married. Just let it flow. When the time is right it'll happen and perhaps I might not see it coming :D
What else? Ah...the next thing is a wish...with an effort though. I wish I could get a new & better carrer overseas. This year will be a perfect year to grab a new challenge in new place. Let's hope by help from Allah, this wish will come true.
That's all my resolutions for now. Let's hope everything will pan out as its plan.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!!
How was my life in 2008? Was there anything good happened? Let's see...
My career...I wouldn't say great but ...it's Ok. No robust career development..just usual work yet I guess I'm getting better with what I do.Coz..finally I could do my own project and gave big income to company. Also I got enormous increase...oh yeah! after fought for it for 6 exhausting months. Alhamdulillah...
For love life...eeemmmm...after wandering about a year and questioned my heart over and over again..I finally bravely said to myself : I'm in love with him. Bravely because there's possibility it'll be end up in agony though I have put extra effort not to let that to happen. But future it's not written yet.I might or might not give up loving him someday soon but I'll never regret fall for him coz if not him then it'll not be anyone else...
Traveling? I went to new place last year. Cebu Island in Phillipines. It was a great place where greenish blue sea meets with clear blue sky. For the first time in my life I swum with fishes, literally and went snorkeling. I fed hungry fishes whose tried to eat my fingers when breads in my hand alreay run out. But the most important thing is he was also there. Indeed that vacation couldn't be better without having him next to me.
After Cebu, I determined to get PADI license in Bali. Some say Bali is a great place to get diving license. The plan was quite solid and I already booked flight ticket but a blood sucker mosquito ruined everything. I was collapsed caused by Dengue fever and stayed in hospital for 5 days just a month before I fly to Bali. So...this can be a resolution for 2009.
Master Degree? Got it just before 'the referee blow end of game whistle'. Phiuuuuhhh... It took 3 fatigue years to accomplish my graduate degree. It's not because the lecture was too difficult but I was suck in time arrangement between work and school. Work always come before school so no wonder I graduated with fair GPA. huhuhuhu... :( Then right after graduation, I enrolled myself again to France course. I took this course in 2004 for 1.5 years but I have to postpone coz I wanted to concentrate to my graduate school. Now, I have my degree and no need to delay anymore. This course will be a preparation for one of my 2009 plan.
Hmmm...what's left...Photography? I still couldn't get my name as nominee or finalist or winner for any Photography competition that I joined. Ck! I guess...this is also another resolution for 2009?
Ok for 2009 resolution. Before I started I need to explain that actually... this is not my habit, making resolutions for a new year. I have several long term plans but I don't bother to make any short term plans and renew them every year. I tend to let everything flows naturally. But since this year I have some urge plans then why not called it " Dini's 2009 Resolution".
So what will I do?...Let's start for traveling: Je vais aller a francais cette anne!!! or in other word : "I'll go to France this year!" Actually this is an overdue wish. I've been dreaming of it since the last 5 years. I even take france lesson so that I can understand the languange when I'm in France later. This plan almost failed when Rupiah acts so lame to Dollar. But I have determined that whatever happen I'll go to Paris this year. Perhaps if I have enough dime I'll drop by to Amsterdam as well then go to Van Gogh museum. He's my favorite painter. Ooooh....can't hardly wait...to wake up in the morning and see eiffel tower in reachable distance.
Then another resolutions are I have to spend more time reading. This is because whenever I travel overseas I always dropped by to my favorite bookstores : Border or Kinokuniya (They have complete and variance books rather in Indonesia) and bought books and literatures but when I got back those books remains at racks and getting dusty. I keep telling to myself to read them soon yet soon delayed longer. So I need to push myself realiazing that intention : Reading more. On new year day, I have finished reading " Snow in Kilimanjaro" by Hemingway. Though I could barely understand his stories yet it was a good start. Next is Anna Karenina by Leo tolstoy or Fiesta by Hemingway (again) ? Also I want to write more in order to convert tons of idea in my mind in to solid words. Many years I keep those ideas in my mind but it's about to change.
How bout love life? A marriage perhaps? Hmmm.... I don't know. I used to pursue to get married when I reached 27. That year already past and I'm still being gorgeous single (hehehe :D). I guess I made that target just because an idea and influenced by people surrounding me. Not because I really need it. So I decide not to make any target to get married. Just let it flow. When the time is right it'll happen and perhaps I might not see it coming :D
What else? Ah...the next thing is a wish...with an effort though. I wish I could get a new & better carrer overseas. This year will be a perfect year to grab a new challenge in new place. Let's hope by help from Allah, this wish will come true.
That's all my resolutions for now. Let's hope everything will pan out as its plan.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!!
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