I'm over you...just a little

Huuuuhhhh....why oh why everytime I posted a story in my blog it has something to do with him? Especially when my last post was 2 months ago. A great and exciting thing has happened during that time for instance I went to Paris! Yeah..I have realized my long time dream yet instead of do story telling about the best vacation that I ever had, all i want now is writing about him.

Yes..It's about him...again. Before I went to Paris, on one morning I wake up after one miserable week of longing him then said to myself : "Well enough is enough. I'm done thingking of him. He's out of my head and heart!" Then he did out of my head and heart. I kind a forgot about him...I guess because I focused on preparing the trip to Paris.

Then when I feel I have moved on, he's nowhere in my head, also after I brag to the world that I'm over him, he started sending text. That was really nagging me! He never ever sent any text before I texted him first. The content of those texts are so ordinary and nothing special about it. But his initiative to get in touch and to know how I've been lately was a question mark for me. Why now?

But of course, that texting is not last...after few days he just stopped sending text. Leave me with a brand new silly hope and bring me back to ignorance romantic imagination that I have erased before with countless effort . This is like back to zero.

I dreamed about him yesterday. He was no where on my sight and I was almost desperate sougth for him. When I found him, there he was chatted cheerfully with people that I don't know. I was so relieved finding him then I hugged him from the back...(God even in a dream it felt so good and convenience). He hugged me back then we kissed. He smiled at me like I'm the only reason for him to smile in this world. (Oh God...I wish this part of this dream appeared every night). I could feel that he also glad and relieved we meet again. Then...it appeared to me, why he wasn't searched for me?I was literally almost desperate searched for him anywhere and everywhere yet I don't see that kind effort from him. When I asked him about that...his face started to blur and he's faded away...but before I woke up, I heard someone in my head said : he did try to find you. He was also sougth for you anywhere...But even so, I know that was a lie.

As I wrote this note, I realized actually that wasn't a happy dream as I thought before. It was a sad dream. It was a reflection of what I feel about him and what he feel to me. I'm the one who always put an effort just to make him see me...feel me. Yet it was effortless effort.

I could say I'm moved on yet I couldn't let myself not to miss him. I miss him now and I don't know for how long. I guess...I'm over him...just a little.

My Song at 4th Week of April .."If It kills me..."

All i really wanna do is to love you

A kind much closer than friends use

But I still can't say after all we've been through

All i really want from you is to feel me

As the feeling inside keeps builing And I'll find a way to you if it kills me...

The first time I really listened to this song lyrics, I laughed. It's because the resemblance of the lyrics with hopeless feeling that I have to the men that I love. Especially with following line:

How long can I go like this
Wishing to kiss you
Before I rightly explode
Well this double life I lead isn't healty for me

So it seems, even Jason Mraz experienced falling in love alone. Somehow it relieves me... I guess I'm not the one who falled in love alone or who kept the volatile longing down inside. Hmmm...

All i really wanna do is to love you
A kind much closer than friends use
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
if it kills me
It might kill me...

"If it kills me" by Jason Mraz

My song at 4th week of March.."Why should I cry for you?"

I never get bored listening to Sting. His soft and lullaby voice always perfect at any timing and mood. I thought I already heard all of his (famous) song, so I was quite surprised when I heard "Why should I cry for you" last weekend in the radio. Why I never heard it before? Anyway...this is indeed a good song and Sting once again did a good job! This song came from "Field of Golds" album. That album has already become one of my favorite albums since long time ago.

Also this song will suit you when you hopelessly try to ease someone from your heart and mind yet it seems like effortless effort. So when the stream came down to your face you'll ask to yourself :

.................
Why must I think of you?
Why must I? Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
'I loved you in my fashion?'
What would be true?
Why should I,Why should I cry for you?
Why should I cry?

Love song for no one...My song at 4th week of Feb 09

I'm tired being alone so hurry up back get here
I'm so tired being alone so hurry up back get here
You'll be so good...
You'll be so good for me..

Love song for no one by John Mayer

This song reflects what I feel right now. I'm not just tired but excessively exhausted for being alone. I thought when I fall in love I will not feel alone anymore but it turned out I felt alone even more because the men that I love didn't fall back to me. I thought if I put more efforts then he'll see me...feel mee but it was a foolish hope. I was crashed by my own hope.

Before that long time a go I heard a warning bell rang deep in my heart but I ignore it. Till my good friend set my foot on the ground. She said I need to fall out from him, avoid myself from trapping on his charm and move on. I strongly believe her suggestion and intend to follow. But I can bear to think that I'll not love him anymore and let my heart empty. This is something that I fear most. Being alone for not loving anyone.

I truly wish that this loneliness will end soon. So that I don't have to sing Love song for no one...

My song this week -1st week of Feb 09

If you just realize what I've just realized, Then we'd be perfect for each otherAnd we'll never find another

I really...really...really...want him to hear this song
Every lyrics on this song reflect every word that I want to say to him
I wonder what will be his reaction if I send this song to him...
Hmmm...

If you just realize what I just realize

We never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now...

Realize - Colby calliate


Lyrics Colbie Caillat lyrics - Realize lyrics

Today I'm 29...

Once a year, my dear family and close friends congratulate my birthday which happens today. Though I have stopped to feel excited about it since I enter 25 yet it always nice to know that some people still remember my birthday especially the love one. Once a year I could say : "Today is my day"

Today I feel grateful coz Allah still give a chance to me- the girl who sometimes forget about Him- to live this life.
I feel grateful for my career. It's not a perfect one yet the compensation more than enough to support my "save less spend more" habit :) and I meet many wonderful people during doing the job desk.

Today I still single yet I feel grateful about it because I could spend my money for myself, able to travel anywhere I please and no need to worry about any domestic problems. Although the fact of haven't find the right men hassle me sometimes but I could deal with that.

Today I have someone in my heart who I miss from time to time but it possible that he's not that in to me and it makes me care less about married because he might not be the groom. But still I feel grateful for loving him unconditionally. It's silly yet it's real.

But most of all I feel grateful that I have a wonderful family who never stop loving me, believe in me and support me during good and especially bad time. I will never trade them for anything in the world.

Today I feel grateful because I devoted to Rafael Nadal who has sexy butt and Nicholas Saputra who melt me with his eyes.
Today I feel grateful because I could generate pictures from my Nikon that gain many good responds in my Multiply.
Today I feel grateful because I have best friends who's willing to listen to my problem, pat my shoulder then say "You'll be find"
Today I feel grateful because I still able embracing this life with optimistic thinking despite of any cynical comments that I throw for all of government policy. (hehehe :D)
Today I feel grateful because I'm good looking, have a cool style, great body and well educated. (Oh yeah...I get narsistic more and more ;p)
Today I'm 29 years old. I hate the number yet I feel grateful for being well, safe and happy with my life.

Shall I move on?

I know from the beginning when I decide to give my heart to him, I might be lonely. That feeling is like an echo at the hollow cliff.
Yet it never stopped me to put hope above the sky, dreamt about him over the day and felt miserable just by longing him.
I shouldn’t read between the lines too much. I shouldn’t over cheer with his attention. I shouldn’t do effortless effort. I shouldn’t think his the only one for me.
I should listen more to my friends’ advice. I should open my eyes and heart to someone else. I should let somebody else get close to me. I should move on…
But the idea of erasing him from my heart even hurt me more. Coz I still feel his warm hand when he held my hand gently, when his gentle eyes look back at me and when his lovely smile made my heart pounding faster.
I should move on…I know that. But give me sometime to prepare. It’s never easy to rip your heart and harshly pull out the love inside it.
I should move on…I will…Just let me collect the strength first. This will be a battle that I am willing to lost…easily.
I should move on…I know… I will…not soon.